A Satirical Inuyasha Romance
by Aislin Oriel
Summary: “You know Inuyasha,” she began, “We should really find you some more fitting clothes for when you’re here. I mean, like a t-shirt and blue jeans and dare I say, shoes?” Fun ensues in this light-hearted story starring everyone’s favourite pair!
1. The Beginning of a Great Adventure

**A Satirical Inuyasha Romance**

Aislin Oriel

"Kagome! Run!" Inuyasha commanded frantically, gesturing for her to go.

"No, I can't leave without you!" she insisted passionately, staying put. He was always telling her to run!

Inuyasha looked around the bleachers at the confused faces, uneasily. "Damn it Kagome, it's just your school track meet! You run around in a circle! You'll see me on the way around!" he insisted. Trying to blend in with a baseball cap and a giant multi-layered bright-red kimono with your strangely long unnatural-looking silver hair cascading around you is no easy feat, may I add.

"I'm not going to leave you behind!" she remained determined, eyes welling with tears.

"My god woman, you sure are a crazy bitch..." he mumbled to himself, earning a few strange glares from those around him. He stood up and joined her side, and grabbed her hand, taking off at a slow running pace trying to catch up with the others ahead of them. (Picture Inuyasha running in his usual style – with his sleeves flying at his sides like an airplane – that always cracks me up.)

"You know Inuyasha," she began offhandedly as they rounded a turn (keep in mind that the other runners are on the other side of the track by now), "We should really find you some more fitting clothes for when you're here... I mean, like a t-shirt and blue jeans... and dare I say, shoes?"

"Feh! I don't even know what those are, and NEVER will I wear shoes!" His eyes bulged as he emphasized the word.

"But you'd look so cute – and you'd fit in much better, c'mon, for me?" she gave him a pleading smile, bringing her hands up to clasp in front of her.

He cringed.

"I think we should go shopping after track," she looked deep in thought (and bubbles and swirls drifted around her) as they came to the half-way mark, and continued talking, comparing to herself and weighing the options of what colour pants and shirts they should buy, shoes, and of course a new hat.

That was until, of course, she realized that he wasn't running by her side any more. She looked behind her to see that he had stopped about 5 minutes ago and was standing there, eyes closed, and hands in his enormous kimono sleeves.

She jogged back over to him, noticed his left eyebrow was twitching along with the side of his mouth. So she did the only thing she could think of (aside from "sit" him).

"Please Inuyasha? If you do what I ask we'll go back early. Pleeeeeeeaaaase?" she begged, turning on the charm, as if it would work on him.

But it seemed it did as he "Feh"-ed and blinked his eyes open.

"Damn it, will you get off my back, woman!"

"But this is the best mode of transportation!" Kagome insisted, as she clung on for dear life.

They began running again, but this time so fast that they were a blur of mostly red with some white and black here and there. After about 60 dizzy-inducing laps, which when they ended they found themselves on the roof of the school, Inuyasha put her down.

"I guess I get a little over-zealous," Inuyasha admitted (and yes – he knows a big word!).

After Kagome's world stopped spinning and she puked over the edge of the building, onto some poor guy's head, she turned around and linked arms with Inuyasha.

"Alright, now let's go! Shopping trip date – I mean, shopping trip adventure!" She shouted excitedly.

Inuyasha, not knowing what she was talking about, and having gone on only one 'shopping trip' before, didn't know how one could be an adventure. But, hell, he followed her, because obviously she knew more about what was going on, and Inuyasha's brain had checked out a while ago.

So as they leapt off the roof, landing in a dumpster, and drawing much attention to themselves, Kagome chatted relentlessly about what other great things they should buy. She managed to weave her grocery list and random essentials in there also.

"Sandals would do good for you, I'd say..." Kagome mentioned; trying to make a compromise between shoes and bare feet.

"Eh! I don't like things in between my toes!" Inuyasha flinched in annoyance as they walked towards the shopping sector of town.

"Don't worry, they have ones that don't go between your toes," she assured.

"And what the hell are boxers!"

A random group of girls who were walking by, giggled at his outburst.

"Uh, like underwear..." Kagome blushed as she explained it to him under her breath.

"You mean like those things I found in your drawer and you yelled at me? I don't want to wear those frilly, lacy things! And I don't like things going in between my-"

Kagome clamped her hand over his mouth and her face almost exploded in embarrassment.

"No, not panties or thongs..." she was almost crying as she said the words, it was killing her. "Boxers are like pants that go under your pants... How can I explain this...?"

"Oh. Well, I wear those. You sure do have strange words here... What does tampons mean?" Inuyasha asked, reading the sale flyer in a pharmacy window.

"I... can't... believe... this... is... happening..." Kagome's face ignited with an insane flush, and she dragged Inuyasha away from the window, but not before he could read off some more products on the list that he wasn't familiar with.

"Condoms..." He trailed his list off, confused. "Kagome?"

"Uhhh... let's go!" she ignored his questions, and crossed the street, towing a very confounded hanyou.

AN: What will they do in the next chapter? What will they buy – and further more, will Kagome actually be able to get Inuyasha to wear any of it? Find out in the next exciting instalment - that is if you review and say that you want one! Thanks! AO


	2. The Long Awaited Finding of an Outfit

**A Satirical Inuyasha Romance**

Aislin Oriel

"I don't see how this makes me fit in around here…" Inuyasha was doing all he could to keep his temper restrained as he stood outside of a dressing room sporting a sombrero and poncho, and holding maracas. He looked absolutely livid.

Kagome couldn't restrain her laughter, "I'm sorry," she lied, "I guess it's not your style… but it was just too funny… I had to see it on you!"

"Why you-" he was cut off as Kagome threw another load of clothes at him and pushed him back into the dressing stall.

So far he had tried on several 'outfit styles' as Kagome called them, and he couldn't tell which was worse, the biker outfit, or the football uniform. At least now it looked like she was giving him some clothes that looked more like that of which he saw people wearing instead of strange costumes.

After struggling for a few moments with the newfangled garments, Inuyasha emerged triumphantly from the stall with, what seemed like a winner, on.

He did a bit of a pose, putting his hands on his hips, and looking at her to evaluate her reaction.

"Aw, you look good!" she said, unabashed. "It sure is a coincidence that we found that novelty shirt for you,"

The white shirt was emblazoned with a bright red, 'I travelled 500 years into the future, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt'. He was wearing a pair of plain-ish blue jeans, and had a red bandana on his head to cover his doggy ears.

"Now, what we need for you is shoes…" Kagome trailed off, picking up the shopping bags she'd been lugging around and made her way to the check out counter.

"Hey! No shoes! You said I could wear sandals!" Inuyasha argued as he grabbed his old clothes and stuffed them in one of the bags he'd been forced into carrying, joining her at the counter.

"Hmm, we'll see," Kagome chimed pleasantly and gave him a sugary smile.

Suddenly Inuyasha was amidst more confusion as a strange flashy light thing the salesperson was holding was moved around him to various tagged points of clothing, beeping in turn. He tried to stay still, and seeing Kagome chuckling at him, grew more annoyed, as he ripped the various tags off the clothing and shoved them in the salespersons direction.

In typical cliché fashion, pun intended, the salesperson looked startled, then giggled at him, as many people were prone to do in this era, which infuriated the hell out of him. In the warring states period, only diabolical evil monsters and an occasional estranged half-brother dared laugh at him, before he would rip them to shreds. But here, complete strangers tried his temper.

He glared at Kagome as she continued the mockery, and she paid quickly.

As he strutted out of the store in modern clothes, and barefoot, Kagome happily weaved her purse and bag carrying arm in with his heavily loaded one. This action always made him think that Kagome was imagining herself in _another_ other world, where they were a couple. He didn't mind, as long as he got ramen out of it.

"We just have to go two streets over, there's a surf shop where we can find you some sandals…" Kagome informed, still in her out-there state.

Inuyasha was confused as to why a vassal would be selling sandals, but went with it.

As they trod in that direction, Inuyasha squirmed a little, trying to get used to the restricting pants and the bare arms he wasn't used to sporting. The passing glances he received were also not that of familiarity. Although they were partially most likely still because he was barefoot, they weren't the typical 'what is he wearing?' stares. The females who walked by were eyeing him… well, strangely. He was sure it would've been an ego boost if he were Miroku, but at this point he felt more like he wished he was back in his old kimono.

Kagome remained oblivious at the attention he was getting, as she was still in the far-off corners of her daydream. She seemed to not notice, when a girl brushed against Inuyasha's side in a less than 'accidental' manoeuvre.

At this point, he himself felt slightly offended for Kagome, and forgot his own discomfort. C'mon, this girl was hanging off him – that was a definite sight of claiming. The nerve of these women, even if it wasn't true, it still appeared to be! And damn it, but he was wanting to see Kagome get just as jealous and possessive as he was to her!

"Kagome," he nudged her out of her revelry as they crossed an intersection.

"Huh?" she looked up curiously at him.

"Why are all these women looking at me like that?" he nodded in example, to a passing brunette who was giving him an elevator appraisal.

"What?" she observed as the girl walked by a little closer than was needed, while looking out the corner of her eye, "Well, maybe they like what they see," she offered.

He blinked. How could she be so cool about it!

Another girl smiled slightly as she walked by him also.

Kagome's face turned slightly annoyed and she snapped, "Personal space! Personal space!" and tugged him quickly closer to her, all the while glaring at the offending girl.

When they were a safe distance away from threats – and walking deliberately along the street to avoid the crowd, Kagome looked, slightly flushed, back at him.

"Sorry, thought you might need some help…" she apologized.

He felt a slight surge of masculine pride at her 'help', but just exhaled loudly instead of thanking her.

Looking ahead on the street, Kagome pointed at the shop they were going to, in an effort to cut the tension.

"So… what does this serf sell aside from sandals?" Inuyasha asked, curiously.

"Huh? No, the surf doesn't sell anything… it's a place where you buy surf gear like beach things," she elaborated slightly.

He was still slightly confused, but was used to being left in the dark about futuristic things.

"Keh, whatever, let's just get it over with so we can get back sooner."

AN: What exactly is it about a guy without shoes? Why is Inuyasha submitting to this shopping torture – is it really for the ramen and the promise of returning sooner? Will Inuyasha ever figure out what these strange words mean? Will Kagome reveal her motives behind the whole trip? Find out in the next exciting instalment – there is a 98 percent guarantee of more humorous situations! Thanks! AO


	3. An Unusual Setup to a Usual Event

**A Satirical Inuyasha Romance**

Aislin Oriel

After spending an hour trying to convince him to wear shoes, then trying on different pairs of sandals, holding him down, hack, forcing them on, cough, each which didn't seem quite wide enough, Kagome, tired but triumphant, lead the way down to the local grocers, humming her own little tune.

Inuyasha griped and followed her awkwardly in the constricting garb. In his head he was counting off the reasons he hated the modern era. No killing things, smelled like Jaken, really loud, Kagome's annoying friends, school, etc… etc…

"How am I supposed to walk, let alone run in these ridiculous things!" he spat out in annoyance.

"Well, you seem to be walking just fine to me," Kagome sang merrily.

"Keh, let's just get the things you want so we can go back!" he resolved.

"We're not going back right away Inuyasha,"

"What! You said that if I got some of these strange robes-"

"That we would go back _sooner_, not immediately. Sheesh, you need some time to show off your new clothes and Have. Some. Fun." Kagome rationalized.

"Fun! Do you realize what's-"

"Happening on the other side of the well, death, destruction - got it. But it just so conveniently happens that if you go back there – well, you know what time of month it is,"

"Isn't that just great for you? So this is what kind of story this is…" Inuyasha mumbled.

"Well, think about it; If we stay here we'll skip your transformation all together this month, and we can safely return tomorrow," Kagome informed casually.

"Ah, more of your lunar-shift babble again?" he sighed.

"I already explained that the moon's cycles change over 500 years, it's quite helpful really, knowing how much you hate that time of the month,"

"Yeah, just wish there were some similar way to make your time of the month go away…" he grumbled under his breath.

"What's that?"

"Nothing. So, where's my ramen!" he demanded.

"Inside the store." Kagome gestured in front of them.

"Well, then what are you waiting for!" he barked.

"Well, I just noticed that it started snowing," she watched as a snowflake landed on Inuyasha's nose, making him go cross-eyed.

"Oh crap, not another freak snowstorm! I hate when that happens!" Inuyasha whined.

"What was that?" she glared at him.

"Oi wench, I mean, I just love them…" he said fakely, rolling his eyes and continuing to mumble under his breath about inconsistent seasons.

Suddenly, in an overused literary device, a whole crapload of snow plummeted down on them, leaving them standing waist-high in finely-packed, extra frosty snow.

Some dense vision-hindering snow began to fall just to add to the effect.

"Everything's so white, I can barely see!" Kagome hollered over the strong wind that had picked up – oh yeah, there was strong wind too.

"Hey look, there in the middle of where the city used to be before the snowstorm made only the two of us isolated – it's an abandoned hut like the ones that always seem to be placed literally between the places we travel to in the feudal era," Inuyasha pointed in the direction.

Sure enough, there stood a lone, desolate, rickety old shack.

"Brrr! Let's hurry, I can already feel my legs and arms getting frostbite after only 1 minute!" Kagome complained.

"Feh, weak human body. I can't stand dumb, weak, dumb humans…" and so on.

They strapped on their snowshoes and plodded the distance to the cabin. They didn't bother to dig out their discarded bags containing Inuyasha's old clothes, but that's okay because they magically regenerate themselves in a stylish assortment of colours.

Opening the door with an annoying squeak, inside they found it to be indeed similar to all the other random huts they stayed at during impossibly freak snowstorms.

There were candles placed intuitively about the room, creating a romantic atmosphere, along with flower petals sprinkled expertly around the otherwise sparse hut. Other than that there was only one other thing.

Inuyasha slammed the door shut in irritation, before his eyes squinted.

"Hell no! Not another one of these!"

AN: Oh no, what could possibly and intentionally be the obvious annoying cliché that is causing our doggy such grief? Did any other people in Tokyo survive the snowfall? How many times will Inuyasha be sat in the next chapter before the inevitable sappy moment? Will they be able to wait the storm out after all or will something totally unexpected happen? (Not likely…) And will he ever get his ramen now that the grocery store has been buried? Well, who really cares, but it will still be posted! Yay! AO


	4. What's this? A Mushy Interlude, Sorta

**A Satirical Inuyasha Romance**

Aislin Oriel

"How many damn blanket scenarios do we have to endure!"

"Inuyasha…" Kagome glared at him while rubbing her arms to get the blood flowing.

"But seriously, this is just plain ridiculous! How do I have such awful luck?" he went on to protest the whole situation.

Kagome ignored him and confiscated the lone fluffy blanket for herself.

Inuyasha eventually got over his rant and sourly stared at his toes, glaring ever so often up at Kagome, who for some reason had a mug of piping-hot cocoa (which you're NOT supposed to drink if you have frostbite or are suffering from hypothermia…) complete with little pink marshmallows.

After about a half-hour of semi-silence, but for the howling wind outside picking up every so often, causing an unpleasant draft, for a human body at least, Inuyasha almost formed a word.

"L-" but then thought better of it since Kagome was sound asleep all snuggled in the blanket against the wall.

What he would've said was, "Look, I don't think the blizzard's going to stop anytime soon," instead, he opted to blow his bangs out of his face for a while.

'You know what I don't understand?' Inuyasha thought to himself, 'How is it that even though I'm impervious to extreme weather, she always manages to get me all cozied up to her in that reoccurring blanket every time?'

He shook his head trying to get the thoughts out of it and only succeeded in making himself dizzy.

"Mmm… Inu… yasha…" Kagome moaned in her sleep.

Inuyasha looked attentive in her direction, "Favourite frikkin' word…" he mused. "Then again…"

Flashback-

"Inuyasha!" Kagome called out in distress as yet another evil demon attempted to kidnap her as a bartering chip.

"Kagome!" he hollered to her as he slashed his way through various minions.

"Inuuuyaaasha!" she screamed loudly as the demon flew off with her.

"Kagome! Kaaagooome!"

"Inuyasha!" her screams faded.

"Kagome!"

End Flashback-

"I guess I'm just as bad," he admitted.

He looked up at her when he noticed her tossing and turning in her sleep. He surmised that she must be having a horrible nightmare, even though she had only dozed off a few minutes ago and therefore wasn't in a deep enough state to even dream. Oh well.

She was clutching tightly at the makeshift covers and rolling side to side slowly. It was actually kind of funny to watch, but Inuyasha bit down his chortle and went over to try and stir her out of it.

Kagome was shivering slightly, her breath coming out in little puffs as she frowned subconsciously, no doubt because of what ever strange circumstance was running through her mind.

He shook her lightly enough to rouse her out of her bad dream, and she opened her eyes with a start, tears beginning to brim them.

"You okay Kagome?" he asked with mild concern.

"Oh Inuyasha, it was so horrible!" she choked out and her quivering form launched at him, snuggling into his chest with the blanket wrapped conspicuously around them.

"Don't start crying now," he instructed and she wiped the unfallen tears against his new t-shirt.

She went off into the details of her dream but Inuyasha tuned it out with his own inner dialogue.

'Oh yeah, now I remember how these things always happen. She has a bad dream, she's cold, in this case both… Meh, guess I'll put up with it, besides, I can see right down her shirt from this angle,' he shrugged mentally, quite an interesting picture, and rubbed her back in what appeared to be a soothing gesture.

"Inuyasha!" Kagome snapped her attention from her emotional spiel.

"Hm?" he asked innocently.

"You just undid my bra clasp!" she looked at him in shock and held her hand to her chest in a defensive stance, her dream and the gruelling cold long forgotten.

"Yeah, I know. I'm getting better at it, now I can just do it right through your shirt instead of before when I always had to rip them in half because of my ineptitude," he commented nonchalantly, proud of his achievements.

Kagome sputtered for a few moments trying to find the appropriate words to respond with.

She instead chose an action to start with and smacked him on the arm followed by a haughty, "Sit."

"Ga-"

Thud.

As he lie imbedded a few inches in the splintery hut floor, Kagome stood up and turned her back on him while she did up the clasp again.

She turned to look at him angrily as the subduing spell wore off. He shakily glared up at her and Kagome ignored his look.

"Sounds like the blizzards calmed down a little – we'd better head back to my house while we have the chance,"

"What, you don't feel like it?"

"Sitting you again? Love to, but if I break your back my ride's gone," she said sarcastically.

"No I mean, _it_."

"Don't be so sick Inuyasha – your dirty mind!" she looked about ready to give him another good acquaintance with the floor, but thought better of it. After all, he _was_ her ride.

"I'll be your ride," he said, as if hearing her thoughts, only his voice was dripping with innuendo.

"Uhhhh…!" Kagome was turning red with anger and embarrassment and balled her fists up at her sides.

"I'll even let you sit me," he said in a teasing voice.

"Enough of you! Come on, we're leaving NOW!" she pulled him up by his forelocks.

"Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow…"

She released him once he was standing, and gave him a no-nonsense look.

"I was just kidding!" he assured her, a hint of mischief still in his eyes. "It's so easy to get you flustered,"

"You just be quiet you pervert. We're going home, so get your butt moving!" she ordered.

"Alright, hop on," he bent down, still laughing lightly at her.

"No funny stuff," she said seriously as she climbed on his back.

'That worked, got her mind off her dream,' he thought to himself.

Kagome's wrath was always easier for him to take than her tears.

AN: What have I done? Did that chapter actually have a somewhat sensical/serious moment? How the hell'd that happen? Did Inuyasha take some tips from a certain monk? How has Inuyasha been practicing unhooking a bra? The last is a question I'll never attempt to answer, but I'd sure like your feedback. The next chapter is almost finished, since I got the impression that some of you actually like this story. Review and you shall receive. AO


	5. That Damn Ding

**A Satirical Inuyasha Romance**

Aislin Oriel

The blizzard had calmed down for almost the entire trip back and started back up with great vengeance near the end. They braved the conditions, Kagome clutching tightly onto Inuyasha and her blanket-cloak for warmth. They finally made it back to the Higurashi shrine and took them no time to warm up.

Kagome immediately called out to announce their arrival.

Of course, completely unexpectedly, the house was dark and empty, and as they made their way to the kitchen (which we all know is the epicentre of the house) they saw that there was a note on the table from Kagome's mother.

"_Dear Kagome,_

_Grandpa, Souta, and I spontaneously decided to go visit one of your never-before-mentioned relatives in Osaka. I pre-emptively stocked the cupboards with instant ramen. We should be back tomorrow unless I call then and say we can't make it because of a freak snowstorm._

_Love, Mama_

"They sure do seem to visit a lot of unknown relatives…" Kagome mumbled. "Oh well!" she perked up, "What should we do this time Inuyasha? Another all-night-movie-marathon?"

"Bleh," he sighed in boredom.

"We could bake something again," she brightened with an idea, "Cookies Inuyasha?"

"Nah,"

"But I thought you liked them,"

"I did at first, but then those little chocolate chip things made my stomach hurt…" he reminded her.

"Oh, yes I forgot,"

"Why was that again?"

"Chocolate is poison to dogs."

"It was like eating saimyoushou…" he commented introspectively.

"Well, we could always make a cake; we have vanilla cake mix!" she triumphantly held up the box.

"Cake – can't I just have my ramen!" he groaned exasperatedly, his stomach echoing in reply.

"Don't worry, we'll just whip this up and get it in the oven in no time flat, then while it bakes you can have your ramen," she smiled cheerfully.

"Alright!" Inuyasha agreed enthusiastically, motioning to push up his non-existent sleeves.

Several minutes later, the entire kitchen was covered in cake batter. (Which was a strange feat considering that there wasn't that much mix in the box…)

Inuyasha and Kagome were both also doused liberally in a fine coating of powdery, sugary, mess.

Inuyasha's face was covered in flour.

"How in the world did you get flour on you? We didn't even use flour!" Kagome asked in confusion as she wiped a glob of vanilla batter off the tip of his nose.

"Eh," he shrugged, leaning down to look in the modern "fire pit". "Wah…" he stared gape-mouthed as he watched the batter slowly cook and bubble.

Kagome rolled her eyes and began to clean the room.

Inuyasha finally snapped out of his revelry and turned to watch her expectantly.

After feeling his eyes on her back for about 5 minutes, she turned to face him, placing a cup of steaming beef-flavoured ramen in his hands.

She returned to scrubbing the mess off the countertop and washing the dishes they'd used.

Inuyasha said nothing, but turned around and sat down at the table before he began scarfing down the noodles straight from the cup.

Slurping and cleaning sounds were heard for a while, then a "ding" signalling that the cake was done.

Inuyasha's ears flattened to his head and he quietly mumbled about "damn dinging noises". But that was all the non-one syllable words from him.

Kagome worked about the kitchen after setting the cake out to cool, and tidied up the last few batter splatters (rhyming is fun!) plastered to the walls.

Inuyasha set the empty cup down in front of him and leaned back to watch her. Kagome took one brief sidelong glance at him and just let out a sporadic laugh.

"What?" he looked annoyed, arching one of his thick, black eyebrows.

"You, you're filthy – you need a bath and a new change of clothes. Just a second," she disappeared from the room and headed upstairs, returning moments later with an oversized white t-shirt and some Hawaiian-print shorts.

"Huh?" Inuyasha eyed the outfit suspiciously.

She tossed the clothes at him and instructed, "Go clean yourself up – don't use such hot water this time. Make sure to get all the flour out of your hair, and put your clothes in the hamper in the bathroom closet to be washed. Oh, and Inuyasha?"

He turned to look at her as he was making his way to the washroom, "Yeah?"

"This time, put on the clothes _before_ you come out."

"Keh," he dismissed the comment and went upstairs.

AN: Is this time for a quiet albeit strange evening at home, or will something annoying happen to ruin it? Just how many unknown relatives does Kagome have? Who here would pay to see Inuyasha in Hawaiian-printed shorts? Bidding starts at 10,000 yen. Who wants me to skip quickly to the Feudal Era and all the fun stereotypical antics that go on there? I have a strange(-er) break-like chapter that I'm thinking I'll post soon (like in 2 or 3 chapters) – and believe me, it stands for nothing but to cause ridiculous giggles. But most likely will just make you say _what? _But I'm going for either one. R/R pleases! AO


	6. Modern Demons and Petty Squabbles

**A Satirical Inuyasha Romance**

Aislin Oriel

About a half-hour later, Inuyasha emerged from the washroom, instantaneously spawning his good 'ol kimono upon his squeaky clean bod. This time it was a lovely shade of bubblegum pink, staying in the warm hues he so likes. (Last week it was plum purple, and burnt toast orange the week before that. And yes, those are all my trademark colours, as odd as they are.)

When Kagome caught sight of him, she only took slight note of the "kimono-of-many-colours" as she placed the freshly cooled cake on the table before them.

He stared at her expectantly.

"What?" Kagome looked around her, trying to see what he was so focused on.

"…"

"Inuyasha?"

"About the clothes you gave me. I'm afraid they had a little accident and are now ruined." Inuyasha said casually.

"What." Kagome intoned lamely.

"That thing… ate them."

"What thing? I told you to put them in the laundry hamper. It couldn't have possibly _ate _them," she shook her head at his foolish imagination.

"Well, it didn't quite eat all of them… they got kinda lodged halfway down it's throat. They were wrecked anyways."

"You… you didn't put them where I think you did Inuyasha…" she said suspiciously and bounded up the stairs to find that in fact, yes, he did.

"I told you…" he said nonchalantly. "They couldn't be saved."

She returned with a greatly annoyed expression that she only saved for his special moments like these.

"You put the clothes in the toilet," she stated, not wanting to believe it, but knowing it was true.

"Whatever you call it," he shrugged it off, "Casualties. Better it feed on them than one of you unsuspecting humans…"

"You flushed it too. You even put the clean change of jii-chan's clothes in there!" she exclaimed in disbelief. Sure he had motives for doing it, but she still didn't think he was that anxious to try her temper.

"Feh…"

"Feh! You always say 'feh'! If you didn't want to wear the clothes, you didn't have to. But you also didn't have to destroy them!" She glanced at him, and then took a double-take. He was back in the perfect-lipstick-colour red outfit. Hmm… how odd that it changes like that.

"Hey, it was your stupid idea anyways. You just wanted to parade me around like some freak in human's clothes!"

"News flash, you are a freak, no matter what clothes you wear, you insensitive, unappreciative…" she took a calming breath and closed her eyes, as her temple throbbed with tension.

"I may be a freak, but you don't have to remind me. At least I'm not just someone's mediocre reincarnation!" he said in a childish, mocking tone.

"That's it you-"

"Yeah, yeah. Don't you think this whole 'subduing' thing is getting a little old? I mean, you must really have severe control issues to have to resort to that every time I don't bend to your will. I think you're seriously abusing your power."

"Oh really? _I _abuse _my_ power? And I'm sure you'd say that I'm the one that always beats on a kid that is less than a tenth my size, when he accurately points out observations about me being a two-timer, or generally anything that gets on my nerves!"

"Eh! Shut up wench! The only reason this damn rosary is on me was to prevent me from killing you when the hag forced us to work together! Now it's just useless since I'd obviously not kill ya," he said evasively.

"Oh really, how can I be sure you wouldn't?"

"Kagome, you don't obviously believe that…" he began exasperatedly.

"What, I mean, why not? Or do you say things to get me angry just so I can say it? Do you have some kind of fetish about being pummelled into the ground?" she asked in annoyance.

"So what if I did?"

0o

"…"

"Okay, so sometimes I don't think before I say things-" he admitted begrudgingly.

"Yeah, that's for sure!"

"-_But_, _you're_ way too sensitive about stupid things!"

"Oh yeah, like you never appreciating me, calling me names, and making out with a dead woman in front of me and then acting like nothing happened are stupid things!"

'She has a point there Inuyasha.' The annoying voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Sesshoumaru said. That only made him more annoyed.

"Feh! Keh! Meh! Teh… (sputter-nonsense) Making out! I'd hardly say that, since for one, I didn't even kiss her back, and two, well, one should be enough!"

"Alright, so it's okay if Kouga kisses me as long as I don't kiss back?" she asked levelly.

"What? That's out of the question!" Inuyasha looked frantically for a way out of the corner he'd backed himself in, "If he so much as touched you I'd – well… would you really want to do that to Ayame? She's retarded over that wimpy wolf!"

"Nice try, you hypocritical bafoon!"

"Uh…"

Oh no, Inuyasha was baffled by Kagome-vocab.

"Yeah well… you're just dumb."

'Nice one Inuyasha.' This aggravating voice was that of a reprimanding Miroku.

Kagome closed her eyes as her lip and eyebrow began to twitch in unison with each other.

"Uh-oh… uh…"

"Inuyasha…" she prepared herself for it.

Inuyasha decided it was time to engage in Operation: Second Last Resort.

AN: Alrighty, this will be picking up over the next few chapters when the answers to a few or several of these questions will be revealed.

Will Inuyasha ever remove his foot from his mouth? What is the Second Last Resort? What is the First Last Resort? Why has Inuyasha's conscience taken on split personalities of the level-headed males he's been exposed to? Will their commentary ever cease? And just how level-headed is a guy with a shoulder fluff who has nothing better to do than fight pointlessly, and a monk who can't decide what he really wants instead of chasing it away? Will Shippo join the melee?

And in future chapters in the feudal era, will these century-old questions be answered? Does Miroku know any campfire songs? Will Sesshoumaru ever find a constructive pastime? Will Naraku create another insidious plot? Will it involve rock-collecting? In the future Random Insanity abounds! AO


	7. The Results of Shameless Foreshadowing

**A Satirical Inuyasha Romance**

Aislin Oriel

"Kagome, let's not fight today. It always hurts my feelings. And my face." Inuyasha said in a genuine voice, and gazed into her eyes.

"What is WRONG with you? You've been saying all this crazy stuff ever since we've been here. You're acting weirder than usual. You saw Kikyou again, didn't you!"

"What! No! Why do you always assume that?" he asked grumpily, with a guilty look on his face.

"Ah-ha! I knew it! What did you do this time, have a heartfelt moment, promising to join her in Hell as soon as you could get your revenge?"

"No… seriously, this time all I did was ask for her advice on something."

"Yeah, 'cause you just know that she is full of great suggestions, and not at all just consumed with hatred for the world!"

"You wouldn't understand anyway,"

"That's obvious," Kagome crossed her arms peevishly. "I don't even want to bother trying, so let's just forget it… I really could care less!" she stormed out of the room, leaving him face to face with the cake. Well, if a cake has a face.

"Meh," he shrugged and helped himself to the cake, shovelling handfuls into his mouth messily.

A short minute and three quarters of the cake later, Kagome stomped back into the room with her arms clasped around herself, and looking even more peevish than before. She glared pointedly at him.

"Ano… nya, what?" Inuyasha swallowed the cake he had barely chewed, which went in a painful lump down his throat.

"I… went outside, but I forgot about the blizzard. I blame you." She said irrationally, but she was past that point.

Normally, Inuyasha would have his own brand of 'witty' repartee to brush off her ramblings, after all, he didn't control freak snowstorms. Only the control room in Author Space did. (Or occasionally referred to as the author's brain, when of course, one is present.)

On this particular occasion, the hanyou said nothing, largely due to the fact that he had a fistful of cake lodged in his throat.

Kagome stared at him in half-disbelief and mostly just confusion when no jab was issued in response, and she completely forgot that she was trying to be angry.

"What is it Inuyasha?" she asked, her tone edged with a slight bit of anxiety as his face turned an unpleasant colour to match his clothes.

Apparently, the feudal era had not yet employed the universal symbol for choking, or Inuyasha was too stubborn to admit to it opting rather to try and will it down, because he did little but blink forcefully as his eyes teared up, and turn even redder. It was getting close to the point of oxygen-deprived unconsciousness to kick in, followed by oxygen-deprived brain damage.

Luckily, Kagome seemed to, if not a little late, catch on. An accomplished Heimlich Manoeuvrer, she came to his aide promptly, while he still seemed to be obstinately in some form of denial.

"Are you alright?" she asked, worriedly as the blood seemed to drain from his complexion and he heaved a few deep breaths.

"I'm fine, nothing to worry about," he scoffed, panting slightly with a smug look on his face. "I had it under control."

"You almost died!"

"So, it's a daily thing remember? I almost die usually several times a day on the other side of the well."

"This is not something to be taken lightly! If I didn't know what was wrong with you, you'd be dead!"

"Feh, leave me be wench, I can take care of myself."

"Sure," she said sarcastically and tried to let it go. Arguing with him, as usual, would get her no where.

"So," Inuyasha began, pushing the remainder of the mutilated cake to the center of the table, "What's for dinner now?"

"You and your stomach!" she sighed in exasperation. She was annoyed but couldn't help but laugh as she reflected on the events that had just unfolded.

The powerful, undefeated demi-demon, almost meeting his end from a delicious pastry product.

This was definitely one to tell his dearest, big brother about! It was really that simple to do him in…? Kagome had visions of Sesshoumaru, Naraku, and Kouga all running off to buy a bakery in the modern world to make many delectable yet deadly confections.

Ah, if this weakness ever got out, and such a circumstance was even remotely possible, Inuyasha'd be a goner. It was well known how easy it was for him to turn down food.

Insult it, favouring msg-laced processed food, yes, but simply not eat it, preposterous! Such an effective method would surely be his downfall in the hands of his enemies.

At this point, mind you, it appeared that Inuyasha had fared better than the toilet.

AN: Refer to list of questions (chap. 6) pertaining to the feudal era in regards to the next chapter. No guarantee that they will be answered in one chapter… or will they? AO


	8. The Worst of Evils and Trademark Overuse

**A Satirical Inuyasha Romance**

Aislin Oriel

After preparing her trademark 3-course meal, and getting half a plate full of food, Kagome went to try and de-clog the clothes-clogged toilet. To no avail, as they were severely wedged down in there and it looked like a plumber would have to be called in.

Inuyasha thought that he could help by flushing it again. Well, twelve times to be exact.

Yes, definitely professional help.

Ms. Higurashi would have to call a plumber, since it was dubious that one would be available while the storm was underway. For now, all that could be done was pile towels tightly to the crack under the door and ward off any half-demons wishing to bestow more "help".

The rest of the evening was as uneventful as a lazy author can make it. The usual dose of sexual tension and humorous arguments played into it. Use your imagination.

By the next morning, the sun was shining, and there was no evidence of the previous storm. Strangely, the city hadn't been flooded by the sheer volume of melted snow – rather it appeared that it had dried up as instantly as it had come. This was quite lucky.

(However, the upstairs bathroom was flooded.)

Quite lucky.

"Now, where did I put that flashlight?" Kagome mumbled to herself as she tossed random objects out of her closet, which were mostly just replicas of her alarm clock which had to be replaced quite regularly for some strange reason, and never noticed that she basically brained Buyo who was lounging/melting off the side of her bed.

After crawling out of the abyss, she turned an annoyed eye on Inuyasha, who as usual was torturing Buyo, while the enormous cat looked even more vacant than normal.

"What, you mean this?" Inuyasha looked up at her as he pulled something out from under Buyo, which was revealed to be her heavy-duty flashlight.

"Thanks!" she smiled happily and snapped it out of his hand, turned around and flooded the closet with the beam.

"What you doin' in there anyway? I thought you said we had all the supplies packed?" he queried while poking a claw into impenetrable feline-girth.

"This!" she turned around triumphantly, holding an object high.

"What the hell is that?" he asked flatly, staring at the odd thing.

"Here," she tossed it to him, "It's a Rubix Cube. I'm bringing it to amuse Shippo since _someone _ate all his crayons."

"Hey!" Inuyasha huffed defensively, "If they weren't food, they shouldn't have been flavoured!"

"They were scented you dolt."

"Yeah, they didn't really taste that good anyway."

"Alright, looks like we've got all we need for now. Let's head out!" Kagome stretched in preparation.

"Nya, about time." he complained as he got to his feet, effectively dropping Buyo on the head in the process.

"Don't forget my pack!" she reminded to him cheerfully and pointed near the door.

"I could never forget it; after all, it has my ramen in it." Inuyasha reasoned as he slipped the cube inside and slung the ginormous yellow mass onto his shoulder with exaggerated ease.

Everything seemed to be going well, no pun intended, that is until they were intercepted by the worst of evils, as Kagome had taken the backpack from him in order to receive the usual piggyback, just outside the well house.

"Higurashi!"

"Houjou-kun…" Kagome sweatdropped from her perch on Inuyasha's back.

Of course Houjou seemed not to take notice as he smiled into oblivion, before also greeting Inuyasha rather companionably.

"Oh, you're the one from the play! You did kind of destroy the school, but at least the audience enjoyed the performance!" he went on, ignoring the irritable, grating look Inuyasha was bestowing on him.

"Um, excuse me Houjou-kun, but this is a bad time…" Kagome insisted, but as usual her words fell on deaf ears, as the modern boy continued to prattle away.

"Well, this is just perfect! Since you're obviously looking better, aside from that leg-weakness you've been having which I've brought you some herbal tonic for, we can definitely go on a date now. And how lucky that you have your friend over, since we can have a double-date. I know just the girl… actually, I can't choose just one, so, girls."

As if on cue for obvious necessary reasons, Ayumi, Eri and Yuka appeared up the shrine stairs, joining them with far too much enthusiasm to be healthy.

Correction. Now they were intercepted by the worst of evils. Yes, definitely now.

"NO WAY!" Kagome shrieked in refusal, possessively gripping hold of Inuyasha tighter.

This was promptly followed by extreme blushing on both their parts, and immediately after that, Kagome prying herself off of his back and launching herself a safe 8 feet away from him.

Houjou smiled his trademark smile.

Yuka, Ayumi and Eri began their trademark grilling and boyfriend gossip.

Inuyasha did his trademark back-pedalling as the trio descended on him with glee.

And Kagome did something that she never really does. She fainted face first into the ground.

Well, okay, maybe she does do that sometimes.

Inuyasha commenced his trademark panicking over her well-being.

Meanwhile, Buyo rolled over in a trademark-like fashion.

AN: Sorry for that last random-seeming line. But I couldn't end it on a serious note. Now. I'm aware that now is the time I'm to beg for forgiveness. I'm VERY sorry about the ridiculously long wait for an update. Between getting a job, losing a job, and preparing to move, the creative juices weren't flowing properly. I'll try not to do that again. Gomen. No real prelude to the next chapter, so till next time! (Which will be sooner, I assure.) Thanks! Reviews make me happy – and the ones not just telling me to update make me want to more. AO


	9. Hey, No Horseplay

**A Satirical Inuyasha Romance**

Aislin Oriel

Miroku and Inuyasha sat around the campfire talking about the women. The monk was trying his best to explain the mysteries of females to the hanyou, who wasn't quite buying his rambling.

"She's made me feel true love for one special person. I hardly even look at other women anymore,"

"Yes, but now you grope Sango even more then before," he commented dryly.

"But I swear, my intentions towards Sango are nothing but honourable." Miroku put his hand to his chest and closed his eyes.

"Yeah, and I'm secretly best friends with Naraku,"

"How can I convince you – why did I want to convince you again? – oh yeah, for a humorous time-waster…" Miroku pondered to himself.

Inuyasha merely shook his head and stared at the fire.

"A-ha! I know just how I can explain it to you," he began to dig around for something behind him.

Inuyasha looked up in mild interest.

After a few more seconds, Miroku turned around with an… acoustic guitar?

Inuyasha looked very confused now, as Miroku began strumming gently, sitting legs-crossed, and eyes-closed.

"Well we met in the food court in the mall,

She was in line at Arbys and I was sippin' on a malt,

Such a lovely girl I walked up to her,

I wanna make u mine and buy u diamonds and pearls,

She gave me her pager number and said 'beep me sometime',

Right there I knew that this girl was mine…

You're my number one girl,  
The best in the world,

You're the ish to me, forget the other girls...

"Biznitch,

My Biznitch is the shiznit,

Biznitch,

My Biznitch is the shiznit"

Inuyasha was frankly lost, and didn't quite know how to respond. He just looked on in strange fascination.

Miroku continued,

"I was doin' cannonballs at the YMCA,

She came up to me and said 'Hey no Horseplay',

So I got out the pool like I was the man,

Cruised on over to her lifeguard stand,

I asked for her number maybe call her sometime,

She looked at me, smiled, and said 'fine',

You're my number one girl,

The best in the world,

You're the ish to me, forget the other girls...

"Biznitch,

My Biznitch is the shiznit,

Biznitch,

My Biznitch is the shiznit"

At this, Miroku looked to Inuyasha in a 'understand?' kind of way. Suddenly, Inuyasha looked rather enlightened by the words, and his eyes brightened as he turned to a small turn table and grabbed a scratch pad. He continued the song, really getting into it.

"Well you know my Biznitch is the shiznit,

All the fellas jealous they should mind their own beh'ness,

I only got eyes for one girl,

She's the one that really rocks my world,

Every day with me she makes our love stronger,

When she's not by my side all I do is wander,

She's my number one girl,

The best in the world,

She's the ish to me, forget the other girls..."

Miroku looked on in approval as Inuyasha sang with such vigour. Then, together, both Miroku and Inuyasha sang the last few lines.

"Biznitch,

My Biznitch is the shiznit,

Biznitch,

My Biznitch is the shiznit"

Immediately, Sango and Kagome (with Shippo on her shoulder) fell out of the nearby bush they were hiding in.

Miroku looked on with a smirk, "Well this certainly is a reversal…" he mused.

After everyone resumed their seats around the campfire, and the musical equipment somehow vanished,

"You're the ish to me too Miroku," Sango whispered shyly.

It seemed that for the rest of the evening they were all content to ignore the earlier moment like it'd never happened.

Everyone settled down for sleep, were awakened by a slapping sound, and finally dozed off again.

Kagome was awakened by someone shaking her shoulders.

"...You really shouldn't do that if she has a concussion, it could do more damage then good..." a vaguely familiar male voice registered to her ears.

"...maybe we should splash her with cold water..." a voice that sounded like Yuka chimed in. It was followed by the girlish murmers of her other two friends.

"Kagome! Hey!" the voice above her said gently, voice laced with worry. She opened her eyes to the sunlight, squinting ever so slightly until the brightness was shadowed and Inuyasha's face came directly into view.

"Oh Kagome, are you okay?" Eri asked, as they began to crowd around her.

She blinked, feeling unsettled as her memory recalled how she'd gotten in that position. Then she remembered...

"Inuyasha... biznitch... shiz... does Miroku even play the guitar?" Kagome gazed into his eyes questioningly.

"Wha-? You must've hit your head pretty hard." he looked at her with genuine concern.

She looked at him, speechlessly, noting that, yes, she must've hit her head hard.

"Looks like you haven't really recovered from that leg weakness Kagome... maybe we should go inside so you can rest. Lie down and-"

Kagome interrupted Houjou, "Um, I'm sure that Inuyasha can help me inside just fine, won't you Inuyasha? You guys really don't need to stay, I wouldn't be good company anyway."

"Are you sure Kagome?" Ayumi asked disappointedly.

"Yes, sorry guys, but I don't want to be any trouble."

"Well, okay. Hope you feel better soon, and we'll have to go on that group date soon." Houjou said, chipper as usual.

Kagome closed and then rolled her eyes. She reopened them when she felt Inuyasha's arms around and under her as she was lifted up bridal-style.

Her friends said their goodbyes, and made their way down the many stairs. Inuyasha heard them pondering whether he wore that "costume" all the time, or just around the shrine.

"You really okay?" Inuyasha asked her, looking to see where she'd bumped her head.

She looked up at him nodding, then blushing at the proximity.

"What was it you were mumbling when you came to?"

"Huh? Oh, nothing... but, um... you don't know any songs do you?"

"What?" he looked at her with pure confusion.

"N-nothing."

Awkward silence.

AN: Yes... there really should've been a disclaimer near the beginning along the lines of: "And now we transverse from satire to just utter nonsensical insanity!" but I wasn't sure it would have the same effect with that sort of warning. Yes, so all to say is that it's been a long time coming, but I'm only 50 percent at fault, with my computer and hectic life being responsible for the rest of the wait. Um, well, the next chapter should be fun...! (Applause) here comes the feudal era... (happy-happy)! R&R and I'll love you. AO


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